Its not like I am sleeping all day like I used to. Being nocturnal became a pattern just like any other but I was still getting a few hours sleep. Now its different, now I am trying to survive on two, maybe three hours a day for the second week running.
I know its not healthy, I know my brain is shutting down. That is why I keep bumping into things and dropping guitars.
I just can not turn my brain off at night. I get to a point where I am so tired my eyes sting and that any second I will be asleep. I close my eyes, the pain stops, the brain whirrs back into action like I have flicked on the reserve tank or I am saving all that extra energy by disengaging the vision controls.
Its hard to explain the things that fly through my head for hours till it gets light and I have to head back into the studio. Its a constant fifty-fifty ratio of nonsense and the profound.
I am starting to really re think a lot of things in my life, and it is definitely getting closer to the time to cut people loose and change it up, if only selfishly for my own sanity.
Its amazing where my mind takes me on these long nights. Am I seeing things clearer or am I distorting the world I live in and making bad decisions based on this fuzzy half waking reality?
I am pretty sure some of it is clear as day in the dead of the night. I am getting more and more used to being let down by people, and it is always the people you love the most.
Maybe thats because they are the people you forgive most often and then it just becomes habit for them.
It is time to stop accepting it now, I cant do it anymore. I don't have the strength to deal with the knock backs and heartbreak that comes with it.
Sometimes you need to let the ones you love the most just go, yeah you have lost that person in your life and you may feel some emptiness but its gotta hurt less than feeling like you are always the least important factor in their life right?
I dont know, its light outside. What do I know about anything?
I do know that it is time to push forward two hundred percent with everything in my life right now. I am not getting any younger and who knows how long I will live. I can run full tilt and at top speed for the next few years and try everything I have in me. If it fails at least I tried, I REALLY TRIED.
I have let too many things coast by, hoping that the effort I put in is enough or sometimes I get this sudden burst of enthusiasm, throw everything I have at it and then wait for others to show they care too. It doesn't come, I work alone. So then I throw it all up in the air and think "fuck this" until the next spurt. This time I'll give it a go, this time they will all get behind it? Still nothing, back to square one.
Well now its a change of tactics, battle lines drawn. One hundred percent from my end mean at least twenty percent from the other end. If not, then someone gets left behind, I can move forward without all the passengers on this train and I will pick someone up at the next station.
Thats what the supposed clarity of an insomniac gets you, a manifesto with fuzzy edges. A plan with holes in you cant see but somehow are managing to step over in a dream state.
The other side of whats keeping me awake at night is a list of the top five bands I want to jam with. Tonight it was The Rentals, Armored Saint, Grandaddy, Sonic Youth and The Bad Seeds.
See, I told you half of it was nonsense.
Time to try again, the eyes are stinging, I will close them now and hit the stage with Nick Cave.
No comments:
Post a Comment